If you spent a significant amount of time with someone and 1/3 of the time you spent with them they were sick, hurting, having surgery, recovering from surgery, having seizures, recovering from seizures, being diagnosed for yet more odd symptoms, or just plain having a bad day because they were tired of feeling like that all of time, how would you react to that?

Seems like an odd question I know-but tomorrow my husband and I celebrate 12 years of marriage, and for 1/3 of that time that is exactly what my husband has dealt with and his reaction to it has amazed me.  It was 4 years ago that I started to get sick, and in this last 4 years my husband has never wavered in his commitment to me, he has never told me he had enough, he has never gotten angry because of our situation, and he has never once allowed what is happening to shake his firm belief that the Lord is faithful to us.  1/3 of our marriage I have been sick, and not just with a cold!  1/3 of our marriage I have been just about 1/3 useful!  Yet my husband has still been 100% committed to what he said when he stood with me 12 years ago and told me “for better for worse in sickness and in health till death do us part”.  We have had our sickness and our worse.  I’m not saying we won’t have more, what I am saying is I know my husband won’t waver if and when it comes again.

So tomorrow when we celebrate our 12th anniversary I will thank the Lord for Mike, and for giving me just the right husband for me.  I will thank the Lord for giving me a man who didn’t just utter words on our wedding day, but who made a commitment to both me and the Lord to stand by what those words meant.  It may be true that 1/3 of the time we have had together has been in sickness and the worse, but because it was with the Lord, and because Mike stood by his commitment to me, the burden of it was light.

This past week was one of those weeks with God.  One of those weeks where it just hit me in the face that I was falling short.  Everyone has them.  I am sure you have had them.  Then today on top of that I read 1 Corinthians 13.  Love.  You would think that it would make me feel great to read about love in a week where God is chiseling on me hard.  That isn’t exactly the first response I had!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor. 13:4-7)

Ummm…I didn’t exactly hold up to the description of love this week.  We are to love one another, that is the description of love, and I fell far short of that this past week!  So what am I to do?  Give up, run away?  Certainly not.  Sometimes all we can honestly do is tell God “I’m trying”.  He doesn’t expect us to be perfect!  After all, that is why he needed to send His son for us.  If we were perfect then there would be no need for forgiveness, and if there was no need for forgiveness then there would have been no need for Christ.  The fact that God sent Christ proves we can’t be perfect!  Sometimes what God wants from us is for us to say “I’m trying” and for us realize we cannot do it without Him.

How many different ways do you communicate with people?  I would imagine there are many.  For me I can think of a wide variety of ways that include simply talking to them face to face, calling them on the phone, or the more subtle ways like facial expressions.  Then there is the whole gamete of non face to face communication media from writing a letter or postcard, to email facebook texting and twitter.  Each type of communication all serves a purpose.  That purpose, to convey information from one person to the other.  In all reality whether we choose to convey that message face to face, via a letter, or even a text message, as long as the message is conveyed, the mode is unimportant.

Now when it comes to communicating with God we only have one way of doing that, prayer.  However in the reverse God has many ways to communicate with us.  The point is still the same no matter how He chooses to convey the message, and that is to get the message across to us.  Even more awe inspiring to me is the fact that He would even choose to communicate with me at all!  That God, the creator of the universe and everything in it, would take the time to communicate to me!  He chooses to do that, to convey a message to me, because He has decided He wants to mold me so that He can use me in His plan.  And there again another thing to be awed by.  That God would choose to use me in His plan, when He most certainly does not need me.

So, when God communicates with me, it doesn’t matter how He does it.  It only matters that He does.  The fact that every day He chooses to take the time to communicate with me in any way He chooses is simply humbling.  When was the last time you just allowed God to communicate to you and listened without expectation, awed by the fact that He was taking the time to even do so?

Yesterday I had 5 different appointments I had to go to for tests and Drs. appointment all related to various medical issues.  Not unusual for me to be having medical issues, but 5 different appointments and tests on one day is a lot for me to accomplish.  However, in the middle of all of this I came up with an interesting analogy.

Some people have car trouble, I happen to have medical trouble.  When you have car trouble you visit a mechanic, when you have medical trouble you visit a doctor.  They both send you a bill.  When you have car trouble you often hope to get a new car.  When you have medical trouble you often wish you had a new body.  With your car you can go out and trade it in for a new car, problem is it will eventually start to have trouble too, you will visit a mechanic, and get another bill.

With our body there is no trade in.  We keep the one we have.  Or do we?  1 Cor 15:42-44 tells us that our bodies will be changed!  When those who are in Christ are raised with Christ, we will be raised in a body that is imperishable!  So yes some people have car trouble, I have medical trouble.  People might be able to trade in their car for another car, but that car will eventually break down.  I know when I get my new body, it is one that will never break down again.

Until that day I will keep visiting my mechanics, sometimes 5 of them in one day, but I will do so with the knowledge that I have the best trade in policy in my future.

The last 2 days it has been quiet around here.  My husband has been at work, and my son with his grandparents at the annual tradition of  “Kuzzins Kamp”.  A “kamp” for all of the cousins 4 and over who get together for several days with their grandparents, no parents allowed!  They have a blast doing crafts, going on field trips, and just visiting with their grandparents and cousins.  Every year they talk about it for months, then they start talking about what might happen next year.  The older kids have already told their parents they expect them to do this when they are grandparents!

For the parents who’s children are all over 4 it means 3 days with no children.  For Mike and I it means a quiet house.  Bryan, being an 8 year old boy, doesn’t exactly know what quiet is!  He told me before we left to drop him off that this was practice for me, practice for when school started in 2 weeks and it would be quiet all day around here again.  I had to laugh!  In reality it is nice to have the quiet.

For me distraction is a reality of my life.  I no longer concentrate well in an enviroment of distraction.  So this year, in the quiet, I can concentrate on something that the Lord has asked me to do.  Without excuse.  I will write.

For anyone who follows me on twitter, or on facebook, you know me as race_12_1.  If you ever spent anytime with me in a chat, you probably just ended up calling me race.  Though that isn’t my real name of course, I seem to answer by it quite well.  There is a story behind how I got that nick, and many of you have probably already read The Race is Worth Enduring.  Yesterday I was reading in 1 Corinthians and I read this:

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” (1 Cor. 9:24-27)

Years ago I had chose my nick because of Hebrews 12:1-2 not realizing what was to lie ahead in my life, and now just as I thought my trial was somehow coming to a close, I read this.  I realize that the lessons from that trial are far from over.  I am still running the race, still in training, and still striving to get a crown that will last forever.  I can say that God has brought me through a very rocky road, but now I must now learn to live with the outcome of the trial He has brought me through.

Part of that is learning how to live with the physical consequences of the medical trial I went through.  I am not responsible for what happened to me.  I cannot control the side effects of my medications or the effects of having part of my brain removed.  What I can do however is make the decision that my testimony and my ministry are important enough not to simply resign myself to the fact that I am “left like this forever”.  Though it is a “physical thing” I cannot allow it to effect my testimony or ministry in a negative way, or I am allowing myself to be disqualified for the prize.  You see, I believe that God can do things we are not capable of.  He can help me learn to live without a part of my brain so that it doesn’t effect my testimony or ministry, and He can help me cope with the side effects of my medications.

This is a spiritual battle because what God is doing is far too important to allow the fact that I happen to get sick get in the way.

Earlier today I twittered about how this week was the first time since my surgery nearly 16 months ago that I made dinner 6 nights in a row.  If you don’t know what surgery I’m talking about you’ll have to read my medical journey.  I actually got thinking about it, and it turns out this is the first time in much longer that I have made dinner 6 consecutive days.  How do I know that?  I only need to think back to what my life was like before my surgery.

It took some actual thinking about it, because I don’t spend a lot of time these days thinking about what my life was like during those years that I was so incapacitated.  Yes the word incapacitated really does describe my existence during that time.  That is why I know I wasn’t making dinner 6 night in a  row.  There were days that if I made dinner I was overjoyed that I was able to do something I get joy out of-cooking.  Then there were times that I cooked because we needed to eat, and I didn’t get any joy out of it, I did it out of necessity.  Then there were many days when my husband came home and words similar to “dinner is up to you” came out of my mouth, or he simply discovered that on his own.

Now when I cook I am now again getting joy out of it, every time.  Why?  Because even on those days that I don’t feel so good, those days that aren’t going so well, I am thankful that I able to do something that I get joy out of.  Now those days still happen that my husband comes home and I say “dinner is up to you”, and my husband never complains.  Why? You would have to ask him how He has been able to persevere through this standing by me without complaint.  However, I do know that this is the first week I have made dinner 6 consecutive days in nearly 3 years.

Something struck me today while I was doing my study for Sunday school.  We are doing a study that Mike and I did about 10 years ago soon after we were married with several other couples.   My life is quite different now then it was then!  I figured that in doing the study I would see where I have come since then, and get something completely different from it than I did the first time.

One of the statements in today’s study was–Jesus called His disciples to leave what they were doing and to follow Him.  Andrew, Peter, James and John left their fishing businesses and followed Him (Matt. 4:18-22).  Matthew left  his job as a tax collector (Matt 9:9).  Describe something that would be difficult for you to leave behind or do if God asked you to.

What struck me was that I remembered what my answer had been to this question 10 years ago!!  My career.  I had answered that I would have a difficult time leaving behind my career.  Now 10 years later that has been stripped away from me.  I didn’t leave it by choice-it was literally stripped away from me.  I am now disabled, unable to work any job, most especially the career I loved and had poured my heart into.  And that was the problem- I had poured my heart into it.  I knew 10 years ago that if the Lord were to ask me then to give that up it would be difficult because I knew it was wrapped up in my identity, and that I allowed it to control my life too much.

Now I know what it is like to give things up.  Some of them were stripped away, some of them I gave up by choice, but all of them came with a choice.  That choice was to either be thankful for what came next, or to be angry,  bitter, or resentful for what was missing and what I was now without.  Every time we give up something we are always given something else to replace it.  Granted it is not always what we expect!  I certainly did not expect to give up my career for a medical battle that would last 3 years and leave me disabled.  But is that is not what I gave up my career for.

What did I get?  10 years ago I said I would have a hard time giving up my career.  I was forced to give it up.  But in its place I now understand that God is going to fulfill His promises in a real way, not just because they are written, but because He did so in my life.  I experienced His presence, comfort, courage, strength, shelter, provision, and peace.  In trial I have grown closer to my Lord, that is what replaced what I gave up-not the medical trial.  I choose to see what I gained and be thankful for that, not look back at what gave up.

Ask yourself this question-Am I looking for what God is giving me to replace what I gave up, even if it was something taken from me, or am I looking back with anger, bitterness, or resent because of what is missing?  Make the choice to look for and be thankful for what God is giving you now!

All last week I was gone from home again-this time to help with VBS/missions week at church.  Bryan and I stayed with a friend from church (thank you Licia!)  Mike stayed home because he had to work of course.  The week was full of all kinds of crazy things.

The kids had VBS to attend, as well as a very fun and exciting carnival to go to thanks to the Lord doing something amazing!  A team of 30 people from a church in Oklahoma came to help us put on a big carnival as an outreach ministry to the community of Tooele.  I didn’t get all of the details, but I did hear that there were hundreds of children that attended each day, and one of the youth said that the youth nights were great.

The week was very stressful.   I was on my feet too much, I stayed up too late, I got overwhelmed, I was hurting by the end of the week.  One night I ended up having a seizure in the middle of the night, and I ended up having another one during church Sunday morning.  However-the week was well worth the cost.  Why?  Because of why I was hurting, why I was tired, and why I ended up having those seizures.  It was because I had made a choice to do what the Lord asked me to do.  I knew being out of my environment for a week would cause me stress.  I knew being on my feet a lot would make me hurt.  I knew what the cost might be.  However I also know that if that sacrifice meant one child, one youth or one adult heard the message then it is well worth that cost.  Why?  Because the cost to them of not believing the message is much greater.

That message, that God in His amazing love for us, and with a grace we cannot comprehend, sent His son Jesus Christ, and that Christ died on the cross bearing the punishment for our sin.  That He defeated death and rose again so that we would be able to spend eternity with Him.  Not believing that has a great cost, and makes last week’s cost seem insignificant, especially compared to what that cost Christ.

This past week Mike and I decided we would spend Monday in Salt Lake and stay the night so that we would not have to drive back late, we do that on occasion so that it saves me from having to drive back and forth the same day-and late at night.  Tuesday he needs to be at work at 10, so we get up and leave to make the drive back to arrive in time for him to go to work.  However there was a small glitch in our morning.

Sometime just before getting out of bed-something bit me!  I don’t know what, but I didn’t worry about it to much.  On the way home however I managed to begin getting blisters.  And not one blister, but several, and my finger started turning red, and swelling.  So we call the clinic where we live, and then proceed to turn around to drive back almost to where we came from.  Now this isn’t just 10 miles, this was 50 miles back.  Where we came from was over 100 miles from home!

We went into the office and managed to get an appointment at 12:15, thankfully, especially since this was the first time I had been seen at this particular office in our system.  This saved us a trip to the ER.  For me it is always rather amusing to go over my medical history with a new M.A., as it is quite something for a person my age!  They always think, as they are taking my history, they should be done far before they are, and they always have to ask twice how to spell something, or what the name of something is.

So that day I was given two prescriptions, and they said I possibly had a bite, or contact dermatitis from something-who knows-but that it was good I had it checked.  The one thing that was nice for me–to go to a Dr. for something so minor-Blisters!  Now grant you they were spreading rather quickly–but they were still blisters.  Given my medical history blisters are a fairly minor issue-so it was nice not to have to be scheduled for tests and give blood and just leave with a prescription I had to take for a few days rather then forever.  Almost like normal =)  I had almost forgotten what it was like to go to a Dr. for something so minor.

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