Today we celebrate independence day, and there will be many a blog about that, but today I must share about two things that strike me this week, two things that I know the Lord has shown me.

Earlier this week my husband was looking at a church website, and realizing that about 3 years ago this same church was hiring for the same position they are now hiring for.  Back then He sent them his resume, and that was the end of it.  You see, my husband knows very clearly that the Lord is calling him to a certain ministry, and we were struck this week by a very powerful thing.  If 3 years ago he had gotten that position, or the same position with any church, that church would have had to go through the hardship I have endured in this time along with me.  The Lord in all essence protected the body of believers from a  trial that was difficult at best.  Now that is not to say that the body of believers could not handle such a trial, but rather to say, that the Lord protected those believers from having to endure a long trial that would interrupt the ministry of the church.  There is a bigger plan at work that we do not always see.  Three years ago we could not have known what was to come, and how that may have effected any church we would go to and the ministry of that church.  God however did, and in His wisdom and timing ensured that the larger plan He set in motion was still allowed to take place regardless of the circumstance I was about to endure.

Then there is the second thing I was awed by this week.  Gods ability to use whatever He desires to allow His people to do the work He placed before them.  Pray.  How many times does the Lord ask us to pray for one another?  How many promises are connected to the act of prayer?  I do not know off the top of my head an exact number-but I do know it is many!!  This week one 5 year old girl, Kate McRae, brought together believers  unknown to each other in the act of prayer.  How?  Because the Lord bonds us together with the Holy Spirit-we are all one body, all one because He has made us one!  I thank the Lord for allowing me to see that this week in a way I have not seen before-a very unique way.  He allowed the body of believers in a global way to become aware of a need in the body rapidly, and that prayer need was lifted up to Him fervently.

Today we celebrate our independance, but I acknowledge my dependence on the Lord who has a plan for my life, for the life of each of us in the body of believers, and who connects us all as one. I thank Him for the fact that the plan includes me spending eternity with Him in heaven becuase of the sacrafice Christ paid on the cross.  My dependence on the Lord is because I was only able to receive independence from sin through that sacrifice.  I thank the Lord for that each day.

“Happy fathers day!”  Many of us say those words today to our fathers, our husbands, or to our friends in order to honor them for what they have done as fathers, dads, uncles, grandfathers.  This year I am not with my husband on fathers day.  I planned a trip to my sisters to coordinate it with my SSDI hearing before realizing I would be gone over fathers day.  So today my son and I only got to speak to him on the phone.

This is not the first time we have spent several days, even weeks, apart, but this the first fathers day we have not spent together.  As a matter of fact it is the first significant day, holiday birthday or otherwise, we have not spent together.  This experience has made me more thankful for my husband, because I know the Lord brought him into my life and I am not complete when he is not with me.  This is not to say that I am not my own person, because of course I am.  What I mean is that the Lord put us together because we compliment each other and complete each other in a way that no other person could.  When we are apart, that means that part of who I have become is now missing.  As well, my husband is the person the Lord chose for me to parent with and the person who is just the right father for my son.

Today I wish my husband a Happy Fathers Day from afar, but I also thank the Lord for giving my husband to me and molding him into the husband and father he is today.

3 years after applying I finally had my SSDI hearing today.  The waiting was difficult because I thought about what might happen all of the time, what someone who didn’t know me and my life would decide about how what has happened in those 3 years has affected my life.  My lawyer had told us that we could expect to wait at least 90 days after the hearing to get the judges decision in the mail.

I don’t know how long the hearing lasted exactly, but it didn’t seem like very long.  As soon as I walked in I started to shake.  The lawyer asked the judge if we could sit in his presence, and he said yes.  I was sworn in and the judge questioned me about several different things, from my scars and medications, to my seizures and driving, and even how much I weighed.  It was quite interesting to me that during the entire hearing he had music playing.

At the end of the hearing he said “I am issuing a bench decision in your favor to grant your benefits”–I actually muttered the words “can you repeat that” because I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.  My lawyer looked at me and said “its ok”.  So now we know the decision, and we only need wait for the official decision in writing, however the process will be expedited because the judge issued a bench decision.

So today I am packing to go on a trip.  Part of the trip is for fun, to visit my sister.  But before I can do that I must go to a hearing with the social security disability administration.  Now for any of you who don’t realize, the social security administrations disability division is not the most efficient right now.  This hearing has been three years, and many stages,  in the making.  And after this three years, the hearing is expected to last 30-45 minutes.

A judge from California, my lawyer, a court reporter, and myself will meet for 30-45 minutes.  At this hearing my lawyer will present to a judge the reasons why I am no longer able to work.  Now these reasons  are obvious to anyone who knows me, but this judge doesn’t know me.  He will determine if what has happened to me in the past 3 1/2 years has caused me to become unable to work.  30 minutes to determine my life’s outcome.  Now that seems a little harsh doesn’t it?

When one puts it that way it sure does!  Well after this week of struggling with it I look at it differently now.  This one judge from California isn’t determining my life’s outcome.  That has already been done.  My body may have failed me, but God has not.  My life may not be the one I planned it out to be, but God knows exactly what He is doing even when I do not.  Regardless of what might happen on Tuesday, or even after that, my life’s outcome cannot be changed.  One judge may be able to decide part of how my life will be lived, but he will not change the outcome of it.  The outcome was determined when Christ took on the cross for me, and my hope lies in a future that has been assured for me through Him. (Heb 10:23)

Let me start at the beginning.  Sunday morning on our regular 120 mile journey to church (top), we got a flat tire about half way there(bottom).  We have a spare, so we change it (top)-in the rain!  (bottom).  Now, one flat tire in one day is one thing, but we get a second flat tire on the same day(bottom), and this one would be in the same location-our spare shredded! (bottom).  So here we sit on the side of  the interstate on Sunday morning about 200 yards short of our exit to church.  I am honestly, by this point, a wreck.  So we call roadside assistance.  (going up) Everyone we know is now already at church since we were already running late from the first flat tire!  So  we call the church and interrupt Sunday school.  One of the other men at church leaves to come pick up my son and I while my husband goes with the tow truck to the local Wal-mart–the only place open on Sunday where it would be possible to get tires on a Sunday.  At this point I was thinking I might make it to church just in time for the END of the sermon (going down).  Yet, the timing was just right for me to hear the entire sermon–which turns out was a subject that I later discovered was meant for me to hear. (Top)

Now from there, we met back up with my husband (top) near the Wal-mart, ate lunch and waited for the car.  My husband had a plan to take our son to the movie that day, but at that point we were too late to go the local theater for the earlier show (bottom), so we drove to the next closest theater to see the movie.  I decided that I was not in any shape to handle the atmosphere in the movie (bottom), so I walked to the bookstore and sat in the quiet environment there , while they went to the movie.  After sometime had passed, and they were due to be out of the movie, I walked back to the patio area outside the movie theater.  It was there that I ended up meeting 2 young men, who had faced a difficult 4 years in their life.  I had a conversation with one of them where he revealed to me the circumstances of his life, which were difficult and had caused him to rely on himself due to others poor choices.  After this conversation, I walked away, and yet I knew the conversation was not complete.  The Lord was telling me that I had not completed the task He had given me in having met those young men. (bottom)

The sermon that morning was about our task as soldiers of the cross, sharing our testimony.  We know how the war will end when Christ returns, Revelation 19:11-21 tells us that.  We need to ensure others know that their individual war can be over by believing that Christ has done what is necessary for them.   It was not a coincidence that the timing was perfect, that I was there just in time to hear the sermon, too late for the movie at the closer theatercausing us to the further theater, and that I chose not to go into the movie.  I met those young men for a reason.

I went back to the spot I met them, and at that moment, he walked back around the corner as well.(top)  I then shared with him the fact that there was someone else that had taken responsibility for his life, and that had in fact died for him.  That Christ had done that for him. (top)  That despite where he went in life, whether that was home or not, we all want to go to heaven, but that this is only possible if we believe that Christ died for us individually.  That for me, believing it has made all the difference.  That only by believing that Christ took responsibility for Him, and that He rose again will he be able to see heaven.  His friends stood there as well, and listened as I shared this.  One of them even had a small new testament that he had gotten from the rescue mission.  He pulled it out, and he opened it saying “it says something like that in Romans”.(top)  The Lord has obviously been working on these young men.  I was blown away that the Lord would take me, drop me in the life of these young men whom He is obviously working on, and trust me to do anything of usefulness.(top)  Only in Him could I do it.  My prayer is that they believe, that they place their lives in His hands.

After that day I was simply awed by what the Lord had done.  Monday came and I had a phone appointment with my lawyer who is representing me in my SSDI case.  I will simply say this, the emotional drain of that day was tremendous. (bottom)  Tuesday Morning was once again amazing however.  I was able to take part in prayer meeting via telephone!  I spent over 2 hours with 2 other woman in intercessory prayer for the church and its members. (top)  Tuesday afternoon I got a call from my lawyer and I once again felt the drain getting pulled. (going down)  Wednesday, our water went out for 4 hours.  Now normally this would be a small nuisance, however given how I was already feeling, I did not handle this very well. (bottom)  By Wednesday night I felt as if someone had pulled the drain on my toes, and forgot to put the plug back in and turn the water on to fill me up.

My husband is an amazing man, given to me by God.  Wednesday night He reminded me of what happened on Sunday, how regardless of what we saw happening, the fact that I felt like I was at the bottom, God was doing something amazing I couldn’t see that day.  That though we don’t know what God is doing right now, He is doing something. (top) He reminded me of the times in our life that God did something amazing that we didn’t see coming, that we were simply amazed by because despite our circumstance, God was working out something for our benefit in the long run.  That no matter what happens, no matter what our circumstance, we will be ok because God IS. (top) Today I am still at the top.

Have you ever had a time where you thought you were at the bottom, then you saw God do something amazing, and you zoomed to the top?  That is what has happened to me this week over and over again.  No matter what my circumstance, God has allowed me to see that He is faithful, that He is working, and that He is going to still be the same no matter what.  I need that reminder now and then.

Yesterday I had one of those moments when I saw something happen and couldn’t help but to comment to the person next to me, which happen to be my husband, about how horrible it was.  The person involved heard me, and asked if I had something to say.  Being the timid self I usually am (note sarcasm) I said “I would like to, but that would cause a problem”.  This person chose to come over and speak to me.  I told her what I had observed and my thoughts on that.  Can you guess her reaction?  Not so good, as I had surmised.

Now I will admit I did not have to comment on what I observed that day-that is another lesson for me entirely, but it did make me think.  I thought-how often do people observe something I do, tell me what they see and think about it, and I simply brush off their thoughts or comments as nonsense?  When in fact they may have something useful to say–even if that input was unsolicited?  I may not always like what they have to say, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t listen their input, think about what they said, and use the information to my benefit.

Sometimes God uses small things that happen in our lives to teach us big lessons.  If we use those comments people make to look at ourselves and what we might do differently rather get annoyed at the person who made the comment, maybe the same thing can occur.  A small comment may become a big lesson.

After 3 years 3 brain surgeries and so many medications I have forgotten the names of more of them then I remember, I am finally having my SSDI hearing on June 16th!! I will travel to Reno on the 15th, have my hearing the 16th, and come home on the 17th. My lawyer and I will be having a lengthy discussion before that, but I am almost dreading the emotional toll this is going to have on me. All 5 of my post op seizures have been stress induced.

The thought of trying to tell someone who doesn’t know me, who has to determine my future, why I cant work though I “look” perfectly normal freaks me out. The reality is it really is “all in my head” and all in those pill bottles I open morning and night!! Well-partially in my head-since part of what has caused this they took out-which is part of what has caused the problem! A head that my husband and I have come to realize will forever be different emotionally and mentally–but that I can maybe learn to deal with if I can control my environment and the number of “boxes” and people I surround myself with. How can someone who has never experienced that decide my future for me in one meeting?

Everyone I know has realized that I cannot deal with anything outside the “norm” anything outside my “schedule” anything that happens that “rattles me”. The more that I have going on in my life the more likely that is to happen. The more people I have to deal with the more likely that is to happen. The more it happens the worse my side effects-and the worse I react-the worse the cycle becomes. Yet on the 16th I will go to this meeting with my lawyer and we will present all the information we have and then I will wait to see what this person determines about my life.

My standing on this–I know that in the past the Lord has taken care of me–The lord has done what I have needed in my life–The Lord has always been faithful to His promises. I have no doubt that in this situation the same thing is going to happen. I will do what I need to do and I will leave the rest in His hands because I know that regardless of what one person may decide, the Lord is still on His throne and still in charge of my life.

For me having another medical condition seems to come as often as some woman have children! I only have one child, but have managed to have more medical conditions than anyone I know.  So now there are two more I will add to the list of names I recite when I go to the Dr. and they ask my medical history.  Its quite interesting the looks I get when I start reciting my list.

As it turned out the pain I was having in my face and jaw since my surgery over a year ago was caused by a nerve that controls those areas.  It is very sensitive to any damage-and it was most likely damaged during surgery-very easy to have happen given that the entire side of my head was exposed!  So now those sharp shooting pains are going away with treatment!  All the pain isn’t gone-but it is bearable, but I have a name for what causes it- Trigeminal Neuralgia.

Then it seems this thing that a few weeks ago the Dr. said was something not to worry too much about, a minor annoyance more than anything, has been getting progressively worse over the past couple of weeks.  Then yesterday-much worse.  You see, my hands and feet turn blue, and not a nice bright shade of blue like my eyes.  A creepy blue grey, the color they would be if you were out in the snow too long-my body is having that same reaction but the problem is there is no snow involved.  Seems there can be several underlying causes for this, none of which sound very fun to have, two of which were already ruled out, the rest of which I discovered yesterday.  So I wait for the Dr. to call me back to see what to do next.  However I do have a name for this as well-Raynauds Syndrome.

So two names to add my list.  It is getting rather long, I might have to start writing all these down for fear of forgetting which is which and calling them by their wrong name, like when a mother starts calling her children by the wrong name.  I do know one mom who has been known to call her children by their number-maybe I should start doing that-numbering my medical conditions so as not to confuse them.  Regardless of what I call them by they are all just another way my perishable body is showing signs of being just that, perishable.  I will one day be made imperishable when I inherit the Kingdom of God! (1 Cor 15:44, 1 Cor 15:50)

2 minutes that sets me back 6 1/2 months.  How does that work?  6 1/2 months ago I had my 4th post operative seizure which reset my 90 day count to get my driving privileges back.  Then-90 days later I accomplished that milestone and got my drivers license back after having not driven for over 2 years!  Yesterday that 90 day count started again-so I step backwards and start counting again.  Though I regained my driving privilege in December-I lost it yesterday in the very short span of 2 minutes when I had my 5th post operative seizure.

For those of us with epilepsy driving becomes more than an ordinary privilege, it is a trophy.  It is the proof that we are seizure free, and that we have defeated our condition.  If we have a seizure again we lose that privilege and we are reminded every day for the time period set by the law that for a short period of time-2 minutes in this case-our disease defeated us and all the steps we take to beat it.  This daily reminder for me is more than just an “I cant drive” or “I had a seizure” reminder.  It reminds me that it matters not what attempts I make to fix this body, to make it last, to put it in perfect condition-that is not going to happen!  Even if I get to the point where I become seizure free for life-my body will still not be imperishable.  So I am thankful.  Thankful for what?  Thankful that this is not the body that I am going to keep for eternity.  God is going to give me an imperishable body when I inherit the Kingdom of God. (1 Cor 15:44, 1 Cor 15:50)

So that 2 minutes sets me backwards.  I will once again have to rely on others to drive me everywhere.  I will not be able to hop in the car in the middle of the day to go to the grocery store.  My husband will need to take his break at the appropriate times to get our son home from school again.  I will have more to be thankful for when I no longer have this body!

We are in the process of moving into our new-old-apartment.  New because it is has new carpet, new flooring, and a new refrigerator.  Old because this is the apartment we lived in before the flood, the apartment in fact that was flooded.  So we have some of the old with some new mixed in.  We are moving back in all of our stuff, and getting some new stuff to mix in with it.

Yesterday our brand new bedroom set arrived!  A brand new bedroom set to to go with the brand new carpet in the old bedroom.  Same sheets though.  I even dug out an old quilt we had stored away because the comforter we had on the bed at the day of the flood got ruined.  Soon I will rehang the plate my grandmother made nearly 70 years ago.  So we have new, old, and even older all mixed together.  Isn’t that kinda like what all our houses probably look like?  Look around your house-what is new, old, and older?  There is likely something of every category.  It is what makes your house feel like your home.

I bring this up because last night I watching the Dove awards and was just delighted.  Delighted for many reasons.  Partly because I was watching people who were being who God asked them to be, watching people who were aspiring to allow Christ to shine through them.  I was also delighted because I was allowed to be delighted by every style of worship from new to old to older.  I was able to see others experience worship in a way that inspires their hearts to see God, whatever that style might be.

When we have things in our home that are new old and older, then we feel like we are home.    When we worship we experience the ability to be closer to God, closer to Him and we get a tiny bit of what it will be like to spend eternity with Him.  When we worship we feel a little closer to home.  When we allow those around us the right to use whatever style of worship that allows their heart to see God, then we are allowing them to feel closer to home.  Worship is about lifting up our Lord and putting Him in His proper position, and if we are so focused on doing that that we feel closer to home then we have accomplished worship.  Whatever style of music, wether we deam it new old or older, if we decide it isn’t acceptable we block someones path to lifting up the Lord and feeling closer to home.

We would never tell someone they couldn’t make their house their home by putting things in it that made it feel like home because they were to new or too old?  We wouldn’t.  That is why I was so delighted to see a celebration of every style of music at the Dove awards last night, wether you call it new, old, older, too old, or too new-it is worship and it makes people feel closer to home.

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