All In My Head

May 27th 2009

After 3 years 3 brain surgeries and so many medications I have forgotten the names of more of them then I remember, I am finally having my SSDI hearing on June 16th!! I will travel to Reno on the 15th, have my hearing the 16th, and come home on the 17th. My lawyer and I will be having a lengthy discussion before that, but I am almost dreading the emotional toll this is going to have on me. All 5 of my post op seizures have been stress induced.

The thought of trying to tell someone who doesn’t know me, who has to determine my future, why I cant work though I “look” perfectly normal freaks me out. The reality is it really is “all in my head” and all in those pill bottles I open morning and night!! Well-partially in my head-since part of what has caused this they took out-which is part of what has caused the problem! A head that my husband and I have come to realize will forever be different emotionally and mentally–but that I can maybe learn to deal with if I can control my environment and the number of “boxes” and people I surround myself with. How can someone who has never experienced that decide my future for me in one meeting?

Everyone I know has realized that I cannot deal with anything outside the “norm” anything outside my “schedule” anything that happens that “rattles me”. The more that I have going on in my life the more likely that is to happen. The more people I have to deal with the more likely that is to happen. The more it happens the worse my side effects-and the worse I react-the worse the cycle becomes. Yet on the 16th I will go to this meeting with my lawyer and we will present all the information we have and then I will wait to see what this person determines about my life.

My standing on this–I know that in the past the Lord has taken care of me–The lord has done what I have needed in my life–The Lord has always been faithful to His promises. I have no doubt that in this situation the same thing is going to happen. I will do what I need to do and I will leave the rest in His hands because I know that regardless of what one person may decide, the Lord is still on His throne and still in charge of my life.


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