The wind keeps coming, like this trial in my life.  Despite all we have done so far to prevent these seizures, they keep coming as well.  So here I sit making a decision whether to take the next step to try and prevent that pattern.  I can’t stop the wind from coming, but I can continue to stand in the midst of this trial.  I am going to repost here what I wrote on GodsAnvil.com on December 31, 2009.  It describes why I will stand even when the trial keeps coming.

Take It Away  December 31st, 2009

When we are grasping for lifelines, when we are in tears, when we feel that our lives are unraveling, in those very moments when we most need the Lord to intervene and change our lives the most dramatically we often make the statement “Take it away Lord!”  In the most difficult challenges of our lives we look to God and often ask Him to take it away, to erase the trial, to change the circumstance, or to take us out of it.  Yet, He most often chooses to leave it as it is, to leave us in it, to make us endure the trial.  We must therefore ask ourselves why He does this, because when the Lord does something there is a reason.

I asked God to do that for me in the midst of my trial, more then once, and I asked Him why He didn’t, why He made me endure it.  His answer every time was to stop asking Him to take it away and to start depending on Him for the strength I needed to endure it, and to allow Him to take away the fear I had that made me ask Him to remove it.   It is fear that forces us to ask Him to do this, because we fear we will not endure.  He was forcing me to depend on Him rather then on myself for what I needed to endure the trial.  He was answering the promises He had made to give me strength, comfort, peace, and shelter.  He was changing who I was while I was enduring the trial, He was changing me more then ever before during my walk with Him.  He was molding me into who He desired me to be.

So is He going to take us out of the trial or change the circumstances around us when we cry out desperately to Him in trial? Only if that is what will give Him the most glory. U sing every circumstance to mold us into the person He needs us to be, to do what He wants us to do for Him is what He chooses instead. Molding us is His desire.  As we become more and more like Him our fellowship with Him is more intimate. He died so that He would once again have fellowship with us. Why would He remove that which allows Him to mold us the most?  Molds us the most? Yes, admit it, trial molds us the most. At least I can admit that, for I know that in the years I have faced my trial with the Lord I have learned more about the Lord and His desires for my life then in all the years I walked with Him previous to that.  As a result of that my relationship with Him is more intimate, and that is His desire.

So the Lord chooses not to remove us from trial in order to mold us, to teach us, to show us how He works in our lives, so that we will depend on Him so that our level of intimacy with Him will increase immeasurably.  I know that the Lord is molding me in the midst of trial, that He is fulfilling His promises while doing that, and that He so desires to have fellowship with me that He died to gain that.  I am certainly not going to squander that, I am going to lay myself upon God’s Anvil and allow Him to make me more and more like Him every day so that my fellowship with Him can become more intimate. For I know that as that fellowship gains intimacy I gain more insight into who my Lord is, what He desires of me, and how I can fulfill that. After all, pleasing Him is my most ultimate desire.

Wind would be a good way to describe yesterday.  As a matter of fact it would be a good way to describe several days this past week here.  Spring is a time known for some very strong wind here, hence the nick name our town has “Windover”.  Very fitting this past week, as the days went on the wind continued to get worse.

For those of you who follow me on twitter I actual twittered on April 20th “driving across I-80 in the worst wind we ever have just saw the semi in front of us lean.”  Well that was a week ago, and we arrived home to find that the wind had actually ripped open the gate to our back yard.  Despite the gate being locked closed, the wind pushed and pulled on the fence hard enough that it managed to pull the pin out of the latch anyway.

That’s some strong wind!  Yet that is not the worst wind we got this week.  Yesterday we drove into Salt Lake as we always do on Tuesday, and we discover it was the day of the wind that kept getting worse!  As we were going there were places visibility was poor from the salt blowing across the highway so badly.  Yes salt-we drive across the salt flats on I-80 to get to Slat Lake.  It was akin to driving in a fog bank, only it was fog that pelted your car and attempted to move it sideways. At woman’s bible study last night we joked around about letting people in the door before they flew off the porch, because by then the wind had continued to get worse, not a good sign for our drive home!

Well, the drive home turned out to be similar to the one going, only because the wind kept getting worse, visibility was worse.  We got home and Mike discovered the gate had ripped open again.  From there the wind kept getting worse!  In the middle of night we were woken up by banging, and knew it was the gate again.  Mike also discovered the wind had ripped one of the doors off of our storage shed in the back!  Now this shed is solid wood, 4 feet tall, and heavy!  The doors are solid wood, and close to the inside of the shed.  This wind that kept getting worse did some pretty serious work on that shed to get that door off.

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to find all the flowers off my trees.  Yet they are still there!  In one of the worst winds we get here, the flowers stayed on the trees.  I’m impressed by those little trees.  Despite how much they were shaken they didn’t let the wind hamper their purpose, to grow flowers.  Makes me think, when we are in the worst winds we ever face does it stop us from our purpose, or are we solid enough to stand against the wind?  How solid we are depends on where we build our foundation, and how well we maintain the walls.  Our foundation must be on a solid rock, and our walls must be built in such a way as to withstand the wind.  Luke 6:48-49 “He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”  So we must build our house on the rock, Christ, and be in His word and obey it so as to build our walls strong.  This way when the wind that keeps getting worse comes we will stand against it because our foundation will hold us up, and the word of God will have prepared us.

I have been back in my normal routine now for just over a week since the road trip.  It took me a couple days to recover from the traveling, catch up on laundry and blogs.  On top of that I started something new-a new medication, so I am feeling new side effects of that.  Such a nice something new.  Then I had 2 fairly significant seizures within 24 hours of each other–not so great for how I feel today.  One was Monday night, and one was Tuesday at noon.

Now I have a significant something new to consider.  I called my Drs. office to let her know of the change in my seizure status, the fact that my seizure on Tuesday was more severe then any I have had since surgery.  This is the first one that came with automations (uncontrolled random movements, speech, or behavior during a seizure).  Mike and I were in Home Depot buying a new screen door and I got a call back.  So here I was standing in Home Depot when out of the mouth of my Drs. medical assistant comes “she wants you to consider getting a VNS”.  That would be a Vagus Nerve Stimulator.  In layman’s terms its a pacemaker for your brain, implanted in your chest with a wire fed to the vagus nerve at the base of the brain.  The VNS then sends a charge to the nerve at regular intervals in the hope to keep the electrical activity in your brain normal.

So another surgery to consider, something new to think about in the midst of my normal routine.  I will be seeing my epileptologist on May 3rd and I am almost certain this will be the main topic of discussion.  So as I consider the next step in my disease I will continue to count on the Lord for His strength, shelter, peace, guidance, and protection.  I know that He has lavished His promises on me in this journey so far, so I have no doubt He will do so as I continue to walk with Him.

Day 7 Saturday.  A day “off” according to Mike.  No concert.  Bryan and I woke up with no particular plan, only knowing that at 6:00 we would be meeting my nieces again for dinner.  We ended up spending part of the day at the nearby mall, which I think is at least twice the size of any mall in Salt Lake.  Bryan had a blast because this mall had a Lego store!  We spent at least 45 minutes in the Lego store, and he even filled a container from the “choose a brick” wall.  Walking down the mall we discovered the most fascinating restaurant called “Rainforest Cafe” where they had life size animatronics throughout the restaurant.  Including elephants, gorillas, and large butterflies.  There was also a starry sky, and every 15 minutes a thunderstorm that brought the animals to life.  This of course was where we ate lunch, vacation is for fun!  After lunch we had ice cream cones and went back to the hotel.  We had dinner with my nieces and their father at a Mexican food restaurant that has been open since I was a teenager.  I recalled having our swim team banquet there while we were eating!  I ended up telling their dad the story about my “loose screw”.  We laughed and laughed again–much like on day4 when I saw them. (mileage days 3-7: 497)

Day 8 Sunday.  Sunday we were driving to Vegas to see the Road Show for the third and last time.  Mike was also flying in to meet us there (yeah)!  In addition to this we knew we were going to meet up with Chip (SaharaChip) from the online stream chat.  Sylvia picked us up at the hotel about 10:00 and off we went.  We met Chip when we got there, and Mike took a taxi from the airport.  Bryan was very excited to see his dad after not seeing him for a week (and so was I).  It was time to go down to the venue at 3:30 since for the Vegas show we all had Donor Passes due to someones generosity towards us.  We all went slighty different ways for different reasons, and all I will say is, in the process of walking to the venue, I went around the building the wrong way!  It was a long walk.  We still got there in plenty of time.  When it was time to line up for the meet and greet we met a gentlemen who worked at the venue named Mike (yeah another Mike).  We had an nice conversation.  When we went into the meet and greet room we had a few minutes to wait, so I asked the whole room if we could pray together while we waited–they said yes-so we did.  In that room while we waited for the guys to come in we prayed together for the ministry that would happen that night.  It felt just like the chat room but only in person!  What a privilege to go to the feet of the Lord that night with all those people who were supporting the ministry that night.  The show was once again amazing.  Each person doing exactly what God had gifted them and asked them to do for Him.  They lifted up His name, shared His word boldly and rightly, and we worshiped as a body of believers.  Once again it was wonderful to share in person the worship experience with someone from the chatroom.  Knowing that regardless of our locations, that the Lord brings us together as one body because of the Holy spirit is beyond my comprehension.  After the show that night I purposefully stayed so that I could get in line with each band so I could to pray with them.  I managed to do this with Sidewalk Prophets, Remedy Drive, and Fee.  To encourage them and lift them up to the Lord, letting them know that their ministry is being covered in prayer nightly by those of us in the chatroom.  The Lord is so sweet and gracious to us, that He would allow us to lift our needs to Him, come before Him, listen to us, and then answer us.  We ought not take that privilege lightly. (mileage: 229)

Day 9 Monday.  Time to go home.  The Road Trip will end.  Not an exciting drive, through the desert.  Turned out not to be as boring as we thought it would be.  Halfway between nowhere and Ely on Hwy 93 Mike saw a sign for a restroom and pulled off the highway onto a little tiny side road and went about a 1/2 mile.  What a huge surprise!!  We came upon one of the most beautiful parts of God’s creation I have ever seen.  A place called Cathedral Gorge.  I would imagine few people even know it is there, much like those Volcanoes and lava fields we saw on day 2.  I have never seen the Grand Canyon with my own eyes, but I would imagine this is like a mini Grand canyon only with spires in it.  It was awe inspiring.  We stayed there about 15 minutes, it was snowing!!  We plan on returning there.  We continued on from there.  On the rest of our journey we saw a small herd of Elk.  Fascinating.   God is wonderful.  We arrived at home after 11:00, pulled into our driveway, and the Road Trip was over. (mileage:425)

Total Mileage on the car-1778.  Mikes estimate 1500.  Over by 278.  I think some of that was the side trips (about 40).  Then there was the getting lost on Tuesday night after dropping Mike off (about 50).  Let’s see,  I think he didn’t add in random driving around Southern California.  Lot’s of miles. Lots of laughs, friends, family, fun, prayers, worship, and surprises.  That is a good Road Trip.  Oh, and Mike’s travel during that time, twice that, since he flew home from Long Beach, then flew to Vegas to pick us up via Long Beach again.  So let’s give him credit for 3400 Miles.

Day 6 of my Road Show Road Trip started with waking up too early. Why?  Because a 9 year will not skip breakfast even though his mother was up too late driving back to the hotel from an amazing show the night before!

After that we took it easy for the first time in days.  We stayed in the hotel and did nothing of significance until lunch time.  Bryan built a house of cards, I wrote my blog, and then we went to lunch at the Quiznos conveniently located across the parking lot of the hotel.  We returned to the hotel and again did nothing of significance for the afternoon until it was time to go to the concert venue!!  Sylvia came and picked us up, and off we went!

In line we met two woman, who have been friends since college and are now both teachers in the same district.  We were able to share our stories, and we even played Yahtzee, which we conveniently brought the parts of for the wait in line!  We had fun with 2 sisters in Christ, except for the ants who interrupted.  Bryan met a little girl and made a friend instantly.  Once again the wait in line was not a chore but a blessing.

We discovered that Ely, who had a donors pass, had saved 2 seats in the front row for us!! (Thank you Ely-amazing and unexpected!)  Why 2?  She did not realize Bryan would be with us.  At first I took Bryan to sit somewhere else, then Sylvia went to sit somewhere else, then it turned out there was one seat in the second row so Sylvia sat there.  So Bryan and I sat in the front row (thank you Sylvia).  In the process of finding the seats I was approached by none other then MMBiggestfan, from the Rock and Worship Road Show live stream chat!  We each knew the other would be there and I told her to look for me since my shirt would be fairly easy to spot–and she spotted it right away!  What a joy to meet a sister in Christ whom you have prayed with, worshiped with, and fellowshipped with for so long.  Then we were able to worship together, fellowship together, and at the end of the show pray together.

Before the show started I told Ely I wanted to pray with some people around us, so her and I gathered a few people, we got together within the chairs, right there in the front, and prayed.  We were just saying “amen” as Sidewalk Prophets walked on stage!  It is such a  joy to me to pray for others, with others, and to show others that praying is such an easy uncomplicated thing.  Once again in the middle of the concert when there was just a couple of minutes down time I turned to those same few people and asked them what they needed prayer for, and we prayed.  They seemed a bit surprised I even asked, and I am glad I asked, for they should not be surprised by prayer amongst the body of believers.  At the end of the show Lisa (mmbiggestfan) and I prayed together, it was so sweet to pray together in person, to hear her voice with me at the feet of the Lord.  Having had the chance to worship together and fellowship together and now pray together.  How divine.

The concert of course was amazing!!  Each of the bands doing exactly, once again, what the Lord has so uniquely and amazingly gifted them to do.  I am at awe the way the Lord has brought everyone in the Rock and Worship Road Show all together.  The bands, crew, volunteers, each person together in such a large tour, to do His work.  Then again I ought not be since He is God and He will do whatever He wants to accomplish His purpose.  I am thankful He gives each of  them protection each night, strength to accomplish it, comfort when they are weak, peace in being away from home, and each other to fellowship with and be accountable to.  I am thankful He is using them in His work because I see what He is doing through them in the live stream chat room and now in the live venues.  The Lord is using them to ensure He is glorified and praised, and His Word is rightly and boldly proclaimed.

For them I will continue to pray.  Pray that they will seek the Lord each day individually and corporately.  That the Lord’s protection, wisdom, guidance, strength, shelter, comfort, and peace will be theirs constantly.  I ask you this question, will you pray with me?  Will you continue to support them in prayer, or start supporting them in prayer?  Will you provide the most powerful thing you can to this ministry by going to the Lord’s feet for them?  Let’s take a roll call.

Day 5 was long but amazing!!  It included sharks, music, and sea shells.  It was packed with fun, rhythm, and meeting others in the body of Christ.  I would say the day was well worth the blisters on my feet.  Note to self, do not wear new sandals, no matter how comfortable they seem, to walk around the aquarium.

The Aquarium of  The Pacific in Long Beach is much larger then the Living Planet Aquarium in Salt Lake, which we frequent quite often.  Bryan was most fascinated by the fact that he was able to touch sharks!  They had sharks in the smaller species, such as bamboo sharks.  He also loved seeing the sea turtle, the guitar fish, and the seals and sea lions.  He told me the seeing the divers in the really large tanks was pretty cool too.  He met a volunteer who was instantly fascinated by his knowledge and understanding of whales when he asked Bryan a question, which of course didn’t surprise me since I said to his aunt “Bryan is about to shock this guy”.

After the aquarium Melissa dropped me off at the Venue, where I waited in line for Sylvia to arrive. Bryan went with his Aunt Melissa to the beach, collected sea shells, and went to Chik-Fil-A for dinner.  While waiting I met one of the guys from Remedy Drive as he went down the line saying hello to people.  When Sylvia arrived she went and spun the Sidewalk Prophets prize wheel and won a really cool little Sidewalk Prophets Van which I will give to Bryan.

When we got into the venue we got seats right of the stage right on the railing, so we were sitting at stage level.  As far as I am concerned this is as good as front row.  A bit before the show we spotted KyleRay and Brody behind the stage on the side where we were sitting.  KyleRay walked by a few minutes later and I called his name, of course he had no idea who I was when he looked!  He realized when he saw “@race_12_1” on my shirt, and I told him.  He said his 5 days off were great!

Just before the show started I asked the few people sitting by us to pray with us for the ministry that night.  They said they would be glad too, so we did.  As they night went on I found out the woman sitting on the other side of me had just returned from the mission field a few months earlier, and wanted to go back.  I told her at the end of the night I wanted to pray with her before she left, and we did.  So I did what I went to do, I took what I did in chat every night out on the road with me, I did what God wanted me to do, I accomplished what he set out before me.  So tonight I will repeat that task, with the hope to expand it even more, for I know God’s intention is greater than what I can even see.

When the show was over we found out JanetPlanet5 was in the building.  We tried to find her, but finally gave up, and waited in line to see Sidewalk Prophets.  While we were waiting, I jumped over to see Francesca Battistelli, and was able to thank her for saying “yes” to God when He asked of her.  Back over to the Sidewalk Prophets line where Sylvia had waited, surprise surprise, there was Janet, 3 feet form us!  So I got to meet her after all.  It was good to finally meet her.  When the guys saw me, they apparently recognized my shirt, because they saw it outside, and a picture of it had been taken.  Cool I suppose.  Told all of them thank you for saying “yes” to God as well, for the impact the ministry they are doing is enormous.

That is really what it all comes down to.  The impact it is all having.  Not numbers, not dollars, but changed lives for the sake of the gospel and growth in it.  The fact that they each said “Yes” when God said “do this for me” means they are doing what God needs them to be doing to have that impact.  He will ensure the work accomplishes it’s intended goal, He just needs us to say “Yes” and remain faithful in the doing of it.

Now that I am sitting down in a hotel room and not in a car, I can give you all an update on the road trip days 1-3.  So far things have been mostly as expected, with a couple of side trips, one planned one not.

On day 1, Sunday, we left West Wendover for church and drove the 120 miles as we always do.  After church we reset the odometer and headed out on our trip.  Our goal that day was to make it to Fillmore, Utah.  We decided to break up the drive to Southern California into 3 days rather then 2 on this trip so that I would not have to endure too many hours in the car, and so we could enjoy those days.  The drive was as expected, and we arrived in Fillmore.  After checking into the hotel my husband discovered we were just a few miles from several extinct volcanoes and the lava fields of Millard County, Utah.  Of course this meant the first side trip on the Road Trip.  We drove just 10 miles out of town to discover amazing lava fields where farmers had planted right up to the edge of it.  Several extinct volcanoes we never knew were there, that you can see from I-15.  Well worth the 30 minute round trip drive.  Then back to Fillmore for dinner and the hotel for the night.  325 miles on our Odometer.

Day 2 we had breakfast in our hotel and our goal was to reach Las Vegas, where we would have dinner at my sister’s house, then stay the night in Henderson.  We arrived in Las Vegas and spent the afternoon at my sister’s house, where she made us a very yummy taco dinner, complete with dessert!  We played Yahtzee, and boggle, and we laughed enough to make my cheeks hurt.  We then went to the hotel, which in google maps looked like a dirt lot with a hotel under construction, we were glad it still wasn’t that way when we found it!  Day 2 Mileage 304 miles -total mileage 629.

On day 3 of the Road Trip our goal, Ontario California where Bryan and I would spend 5 days.  We drove part of the way and stopped for lunch at a well known burger place with a play land.  Bryan very much needed this!  He had fun, and off we went to complete the last of the drive on day 3.  When we arrived we called Bryan’s aunt Melissa, and she came to the hotel to see us and have dinner.  We went to dinner at Coco’s, since they didn’t have a wait and we didn’t have time to wait!  Mike had to fly home to work for the week, so when it was time to take him to the airport, my best friend of 27 years, Sylvia, came and met us.  She is my “chauffeur” for the week (for those who don’t know or don’t recall-I do not drive due to my medical issues).  Sylvia went with Mike and I to Long Beach airport (why Mike didn’t fly out of Ontario airport 5 minutes away–it was way cheaper out of Long Beach!)  Bryan was given the choice to go with us to the airport-or hang out with his aunt, his aunt easily won and he stayed with her.  He got to go to Bass Pro Shops.  He was probably glad he did, since on the way back we had (not planned) side trip number 2.  Sylvia and I missed one of the interchanges coming back from the airport and went about 20 miles out of our way!!  Not so fun in L.A. traffic, and since I haven’t lived here 13 years it took me that long to figure out we were in the wrong place!!!  Well, we were in the car longer then we thought we would be, but we were having fun catching up in the process. Day 3 Mileage 369 Total Mileage 698.

Now it is the morning of day 4 and there is no real plan.  Play it by ear, do whatever, just hang out.  Which is going to have to be ok.  It is ok sometimes to not have a plan when you are on vacation.

Emptiness.  Not nothingness, emptiness.  The lack of finding what one expects or looks for in a particular place.  In a glass it would be a lack of liquid, there is something there, air, just not what you want or expect to find.  One might say their bank account is empty because they have no money left in it, yet in reality it isn’t a container, so it can’t really “hold” anything.  Yet that emptiness is rather significant to that person.

A person might say they feel empty inside.  A person is never empty, they are filled with all sorts of things, from blood to bones.  What they are conveying is a feeling, an abstract thought, something we can all comprehend despite knowing this emptiness is not a physical state.  Emptiness means a lot to them in that moment.

There was an emptiness that was discovered by two woman one day.  They had gone to a tomb, only to discover upon entering it that it was empty. While wondering “suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ” (Luke 24:4-7)

The woman returned to the others, and upon telling them, the others did not believe because it sounded like nonsense.  (Luke 24:11) Yet Peter went to the Tomb with them.  He discovered it was not completely empty, for in it they found strips of linen lying by themselves. (Luke 24:12)  They did not however find what they expected to find.  They did not find the body of Jesus Christ, who had been laid there after His crucifixion.  He was dead, so they thought, yet his body was gone!  The tomb was empty.  Where was it?  Emptiness meant everything in those moments!!  Peter went away wondering to himself what had happened.

Peter’s questions were answered when Christ first appeared to the 2 men on the road to Emmaus, and then to the Eleven Disciples.  That Emptiness in the tomb meant everything because Christ was alive, He was Risen!  Emptiness means a lot sometimes, but in this case it means everything.  The prophecies they had been taught just came true.  Jesus Christ had just fulfilled them.  His resurrection completed the requirement for us to have life.  Emptiness was no longer something for them to wonder about, it was something for them to praise God for, and be marveled by.  The same is true today, we ought to marvel over that emptiness, because it means everything!  We should praise God for His marvelous power that made death nothing so that the emptiness could be possible, so that we could have life.