“Happy fathers day!”  Many of us say those words today to our fathers, our husbands, or to our friends in order to honor them for what they have done as fathers, dads, uncles, grandfathers.  This year I am not with my husband on fathers day.  I planned a trip to my sisters to coordinate it with my SSDI hearing before realizing I would be gone over fathers day.  So today my son and I only got to speak to him on the phone.

This is not the first time we have spent several days, even weeks, apart, but this the first fathers day we have not spent together.  As a matter of fact it is the first significant day, holiday birthday or otherwise, we have not spent together.  This experience has made me more thankful for my husband, because I know the Lord brought him into my life and I am not complete when he is not with me.  This is not to say that I am not my own person, because of course I am.  What I mean is that the Lord put us together because we compliment each other and complete each other in a way that no other person could.  When we are apart, that means that part of who I have become is now missing.  As well, my husband is the person the Lord chose for me to parent with and the person who is just the right father for my son.

Today I wish my husband a Happy Fathers Day from afar, but I also thank the Lord for giving my husband to me and molding him into the husband and father he is today.

3 years after applying I finally had my SSDI hearing today.  The waiting was difficult because I thought about what might happen all of the time, what someone who didn’t know me and my life would decide about how what has happened in those 3 years has affected my life.  My lawyer had told us that we could expect to wait at least 90 days after the hearing to get the judges decision in the mail.

I don’t know how long the hearing lasted exactly, but it didn’t seem like very long.  As soon as I walked in I started to shake.  The lawyer asked the judge if we could sit in his presence, and he said yes.  I was sworn in and the judge questioned me about several different things, from my scars and medications, to my seizures and driving, and even how much I weighed.  It was quite interesting to me that during the entire hearing he had music playing.

At the end of the hearing he said “I am issuing a bench decision in your favor to grant your benefits”–I actually muttered the words “can you repeat that” because I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.  My lawyer looked at me and said “its ok”.  So now we know the decision, and we only need wait for the official decision in writing, however the process will be expedited because the judge issued a bench decision.

So today I am packing to go on a trip.  Part of the trip is for fun, to visit my sister.  But before I can do that I must go to a hearing with the social security disability administration.  Now for any of you who don’t realize, the social security administrations disability division is not the most efficient right now.  This hearing has been three years, and many stages,  in the making.  And after this three years, the hearing is expected to last 30-45 minutes.

A judge from California, my lawyer, a court reporter, and myself will meet for 30-45 minutes.  At this hearing my lawyer will present to a judge the reasons why I am no longer able to work.  Now these reasons  are obvious to anyone who knows me, but this judge doesn’t know me.  He will determine if what has happened to me in the past 3 1/2 years has caused me to become unable to work.  30 minutes to determine my life’s outcome.  Now that seems a little harsh doesn’t it?

When one puts it that way it sure does!  Well after this week of struggling with it I look at it differently now.  This one judge from California isn’t determining my life’s outcome.  That has already been done.  My body may have failed me, but God has not.  My life may not be the one I planned it out to be, but God knows exactly what He is doing even when I do not.  Regardless of what might happen on Tuesday, or even after that, my life’s outcome cannot be changed.  One judge may be able to decide part of how my life will be lived, but he will not change the outcome of it.  The outcome was determined when Christ took on the cross for me, and my hope lies in a future that has been assured for me through Him. (Heb 10:23)

Let me start at the beginning.  Sunday morning on our regular 120 mile journey to church (top), we got a flat tire about half way there(bottom).  We have a spare, so we change it (top)-in the rain!  (bottom).  Now, one flat tire in one day is one thing, but we get a second flat tire on the same day(bottom), and this one would be in the same location-our spare shredded! (bottom).  So here we sit on the side of  the interstate on Sunday morning about 200 yards short of our exit to church.  I am honestly, by this point, a wreck.  So we call roadside assistance.  (going up) Everyone we know is now already at church since we were already running late from the first flat tire!  So  we call the church and interrupt Sunday school.  One of the other men at church leaves to come pick up my son and I while my husband goes with the tow truck to the local Wal-mart–the only place open on Sunday where it would be possible to get tires on a Sunday.  At this point I was thinking I might make it to church just in time for the END of the sermon (going down).  Yet, the timing was just right for me to hear the entire sermon–which turns out was a subject that I later discovered was meant for me to hear. (Top)

Now from there, we met back up with my husband (top) near the Wal-mart, ate lunch and waited for the car.  My husband had a plan to take our son to the movie that day, but at that point we were too late to go the local theater for the earlier show (bottom), so we drove to the next closest theater to see the movie.  I decided that I was not in any shape to handle the atmosphere in the movie (bottom), so I walked to the bookstore and sat in the quiet environment there , while they went to the movie.  After sometime had passed, and they were due to be out of the movie, I walked back to the patio area outside the movie theater.  It was there that I ended up meeting 2 young men, who had faced a difficult 4 years in their life.  I had a conversation with one of them where he revealed to me the circumstances of his life, which were difficult and had caused him to rely on himself due to others poor choices.  After this conversation, I walked away, and yet I knew the conversation was not complete.  The Lord was telling me that I had not completed the task He had given me in having met those young men. (bottom)

The sermon that morning was about our task as soldiers of the cross, sharing our testimony.  We know how the war will end when Christ returns, Revelation 19:11-21 tells us that.  We need to ensure others know that their individual war can be over by believing that Christ has done what is necessary for them.   It was not a coincidence that the timing was perfect, that I was there just in time to hear the sermon, too late for the movie at the closer theatercausing us to the further theater, and that I chose not to go into the movie.  I met those young men for a reason.

I went back to the spot I met them, and at that moment, he walked back around the corner as well.(top)  I then shared with him the fact that there was someone else that had taken responsibility for his life, and that had in fact died for him.  That Christ had done that for him. (top)  That despite where he went in life, whether that was home or not, we all want to go to heaven, but that this is only possible if we believe that Christ died for us individually.  That for me, believing it has made all the difference.  That only by believing that Christ took responsibility for Him, and that He rose again will he be able to see heaven.  His friends stood there as well, and listened as I shared this.  One of them even had a small new testament that he had gotten from the rescue mission.  He pulled it out, and he opened it saying “it says something like that in Romans”.(top)  The Lord has obviously been working on these young men.  I was blown away that the Lord would take me, drop me in the life of these young men whom He is obviously working on, and trust me to do anything of usefulness.(top)  Only in Him could I do it.  My prayer is that they believe, that they place their lives in His hands.

After that day I was simply awed by what the Lord had done.  Monday came and I had a phone appointment with my lawyer who is representing me in my SSDI case.  I will simply say this, the emotional drain of that day was tremendous. (bottom)  Tuesday Morning was once again amazing however.  I was able to take part in prayer meeting via telephone!  I spent over 2 hours with 2 other woman in intercessory prayer for the church and its members. (top)  Tuesday afternoon I got a call from my lawyer and I once again felt the drain getting pulled. (going down)  Wednesday, our water went out for 4 hours.  Now normally this would be a small nuisance, however given how I was already feeling, I did not handle this very well. (bottom)  By Wednesday night I felt as if someone had pulled the drain on my toes, and forgot to put the plug back in and turn the water on to fill me up.

My husband is an amazing man, given to me by God.  Wednesday night He reminded me of what happened on Sunday, how regardless of what we saw happening, the fact that I felt like I was at the bottom, God was doing something amazing I couldn’t see that day.  That though we don’t know what God is doing right now, He is doing something. (top) He reminded me of the times in our life that God did something amazing that we didn’t see coming, that we were simply amazed by because despite our circumstance, God was working out something for our benefit in the long run.  That no matter what happens, no matter what our circumstance, we will be ok because God IS. (top) Today I am still at the top.

Have you ever had a time where you thought you were at the bottom, then you saw God do something amazing, and you zoomed to the top?  That is what has happened to me this week over and over again.  No matter what my circumstance, God has allowed me to see that He is faithful, that He is working, and that He is going to still be the same no matter what.  I need that reminder now and then.

Yesterday I had one of those moments when I saw something happen and couldn’t help but to comment to the person next to me, which happen to be my husband, about how horrible it was.  The person involved heard me, and asked if I had something to say.  Being the timid self I usually am (note sarcasm) I said “I would like to, but that would cause a problem”.  This person chose to come over and speak to me.  I told her what I had observed and my thoughts on that.  Can you guess her reaction?  Not so good, as I had surmised.

Now I will admit I did not have to comment on what I observed that day-that is another lesson for me entirely, but it did make me think.  I thought-how often do people observe something I do, tell me what they see and think about it, and I simply brush off their thoughts or comments as nonsense?  When in fact they may have something useful to say–even if that input was unsolicited?  I may not always like what they have to say, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t listen their input, think about what they said, and use the information to my benefit.

Sometimes God uses small things that happen in our lives to teach us big lessons.  If we use those comments people make to look at ourselves and what we might do differently rather get annoyed at the person who made the comment, maybe the same thing can occur.  A small comment may become a big lesson.