This month we celebrate Thanksgiving in America.  November has become a month of thankfulness for many, a time when we reflect on those things we are thankful for.

I am thankful for so many amazing things in my life, but this week I am thankful for something very odd.  I am thankful for a 6 year medical battle that even months ago I didn’t think would end.  Odd, yes.  Yet when I reflect on what I learned I cannot be other then thankful, for I gained something more valuable then health in the midst of the trial.

I learned how faithful God id to me.  He gave me his comfort, strength, peace, shelter, and presence.  I am thankful that I have been the recipient of his grace and mercy.  I was able to see how God works on my behalf.  During these 6 years I was able to experience God’s promises in reality.  I learned that God’s character is unchanging and unwavering.  God walked me through the battle, never leaving me.  I am thankful for the battle because I was able to experience God in a way I would not otherwise have.

It may seem odd to be thankful for the battle that seems to have no end.  Yet without the battle I would not have experienced God’s goodness in the same way.  I would have missed out on seeing him work on my behalf, I would not have learned the joy that comes with trial.  Seeing God work for me in battle taught me to have joy because of who God is, what he has done for me, is doing for me, and will do for me.  I have learned to have joy regardless of my circumstance, because I know first hand how faithful God is.  I am thankful that I experienced a trial that taught me that, for I know that in all my circumstances God is unchanging, faithful, and good.

Over 5 years ago we came here, and I was determined not to be here more then 5 years.  I may not like the circumstances leading up to us leaving, but I am still excited none the less!  God did amazing things for us while we were out here in the desert, but I am still thrilled to be leaving.

One of the things God did for us was walk us through a a tremendous trial.  When we moved here I had just had my first brain surgery only 4 weeks earlier.  After we moved here I didn’t get much better, in fact I continued to get worse.  Less then 2 years later I had my second and third surgeries, 3 days apart.  Leading up to that my Dr. asked me to keep a log of my seizures.  For one week, in February of 2008, I did that.  Today, in the process of packing, I found that log.  I look back to that time and I can see how little I knew about how sick I really was.  Twice that week I marked that I had 18 seizures, in varying degrees.  Wow, seeing that just blew me away.  When I tell people about that time I have always said I was having 3-6 a day, apparently my memory of that is pretty messed up.

At that point in time, when I kept that journal, we were in the process of making a final decision on me having surgery, a surgery that gave me only a small percentage chance of being seizure free.  I had already had all the testing done.  It came down to this, I could not make the decision to just do nothing, knowing that surgery was the last means I had in my fight to get better.  I cannot imagine having chosen any other way, despite the side effects surgery has left me with.  In realizing how many seizures I was actually having, I am now convinced that the surgery not only eventually led to me being seizure free, but it saved my life.  How long would I have survived having over a dozen seizures a day?  I am glad I will never know the answer to that question.

In some ways I feel like I am coming out of the desert in more then one way.  The first way is obvious.  The second way is my ability to put my life back in order.  I am now seizure free, I can drive, and I am considering getting a part time job.  The desert served two purposes for me.  It forced me to slow down, stop living such a hectic life.  It also forced me to rely more on God, and less on myself and others.  As I leave the desert, I am grateful for what it gave me, but I am not sad in leaving it.

Following is the second part of a series I am writing for the Season of Prayer at our church.  I posted the first one just a few days ago.

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As we continue to pray that we be a people broken before God, let us look again at David’s prayer, as recorded in Psalm 51:10-12.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”

Psalm 51:10-12 NIV

Here David is calling out pleading with God not to cast him away because of his sin. This pleading results from David’s realization that his sin is against God:

“For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.” Psalm 51:3-4 NIV

The first step in being broken before God is recognizing that when we sin, we do so against God, and that the act of our sin gives God the right to judge us. Yet, when we call out to God recognizing our sin, he does not give us what we deserve, but rather cleanses us.

Our pleading with God should be like David’s: an admission of our sins, and a recognition that God has the right to judge us. Each of us needs to recognize that only the Lord can cleanse us, and that our admission of sin is what the Lord desires of us.

“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” Acts 3:19 NIV

If you do not know how to go before God in this way, use the words of David “Against you, you only, have I sinned”. Be honest before God, and plead with him “Create in me a pure heart”.

At church we are encouraging people to be in a season of prayer, pleading to God to cause brokenness in us, renew us, restore us.  In this process I am writing inserts for the bulletin on various areas of prayer.  I have decided I would share these with all of you as well.  The first few are on brokenness, following is the first one.

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Let us pray that our hearts are fully devoted to God, so that he is able to bring us to brokenness when sin entangles us. How do we do this? Let us look at the words of David to give us a start.

David the psalmist says

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise. (Psalm 51:16-17)NIV

David reaches this conclusion after the events of 2 Samuel 11:1-12:13, when sin ensnared him and engulfed others around him. David’s heart was fully devoted to God (1 Kings 15:3) so he was able to immediately own up to his sin. David admitted to God, as we should when we sin, that his behavior was wretched and that only God could cleanse him.

David’s plea for mercy in Psalm 51 is firmly rooted in the character of God, and not in his own righteousness. David says “My transgressions and my sin is always before me” and he admits “Surely I was sinful at birth” (Psalm 51:3,5). This realization leads David to call out to God, saying

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

(Psalm 51:10-12)NIV

If we do not know how to pray when we realize that our sinful nature keeps us from being fully devoted to God, we can pray the words of David. How joyful it would be for the words of David to be our own, so that we would be renewed and restored by God!

I never wanted to be sick. I never wanted to stay home. I never wanted to home school. I never wanted to live in the middle of nowhere. I got sick. I can’t work. I followed my husband to the middle of nowhere. I home school because it’s our only good option.

I have given up my career, I have given up my freedom, I have given up my friendships, I have stopped going to church’s I loved, I have to do things I know I am not good at. Everyday of my life is a struggle.

I don’t have one person in my life who can even possibly come close to understanding how difficult it is for me every day. How everything I do takes so much more effort then it should. How when I screw up simple things it hurts because it reminds me of why everything is so hard. It’s all so hard because my memory is screwed up, my concentration is bad, and I hurt all the time.

Hurt, I just hurt. Nothing makes it go away. I try every day to pretend it isn’t there, but it is. Some of the things I do are so painful, but I do them anyway because other people are counting on me, because I made commitments and I try very hard to honor those. I pretend because I refuse to allow my body to stop me from doing things.

There is nothing anyone can do to change some of these things, they are facts. What they can do is try to see my life through my eyes.  Watch me very closely in an attempt to see how what I am doing at that moment causes me pain. To see how my memory or concentration might make it difficult. Try to understand that the things I do I don’t do because they are easy but because I am committed to them. Even the things I choose to do, like play drums, hurt. Yet I do those things because I have to have things in my life that I choose to do out of joy, not obligation.

I understand more fully then most will what God means when he tells us to consider it all joy when we face trials. I cannot name one year in the last 8 that has not come with some kind of heart breaking trial. First my mom died, then I lost a baby, I ended up sick and out of my career, I had 3 brain surgeries, my house was flooded and chaos followed, my arms didn’t work for a week, and I had to start home schooling. All too many times I cried to God “why? why do you have to teach me in such difficult ways?” His answer has always been “so you will see more of me”.

I see more of Him, I see his nature. I understand what it is to have his comfort, his strength, his shelter, his arms to hold me up, his ears to hear my cries. I still wonder why God had to teach me all of this through such difficulty, instead of letting me learn it another way.

Then I remember that what I have been through has not been just to teach me, but to teach others as well. To teach my husband and son what it means to stand firm on God’s promises and watch him answer them. Do we have all our desires, do we get a yes to all we ask of God? No. But we can know this, His plan is greater then we can see, His intention for us is greater then we can imagine. He knows where he wants us, what he wants us doing, and when.

I can’t figure out why he has me in the middle of desert, homeschooling, not able to work, and in pain. I cannot figure out how all of this makes sense, but I will keep following him. I will keep trusting him. If I am going to do that I have to trust that he has put my husband and son into my life because he intends it for my good.

I might not be happy, but I will find joy because I know He is working where I cannot see. I know he is doing the same for my husband and son that he is doing for me, making me more like him. He might keep taking me through things I don’t like, making me do things I’m not good at, he may allow me to stay in pain, but in all of it I will try to keep looking for his hand to move.

I can see him moving. I see him moving in my husband, my son, and myself. I can see how he has molded each of us, changed us. I see him leading my husband, and I see how he has given him knowledge, wisdom, guidance, discernment. I will keep trusting that he has placed each of them in my life for my good. I may not always be happy, but I will keep following, even when I disagree. I will keep following, even when I can’t understand. I will keep following, because it gives me joy. My life is not what I thought it would be, but it is better because my life has allowed me to see God moving. My life means I got to be the recipient to answered promises. My life means I have had the privilege of watching him work in my husband and son.

I am glad my life is not what I wanted it to be. Even if it means I lost my career, I am in the middle of nowhere, doing what I never wanted to, and in pain. I am glad God gave me the life he wanted me to have.

This week was the “hugely anticipated” premiere of the last Harry Potter movie. I know believers who have read the books and watched all the movies, and are animate that it is “only entertainment”. I have not read the books or seen the movies, and I do not intend to. Here is why.

I don’t think believers would find a movie whose main character and hero was a sex trafficker. Why? Because we recognize that there are people who are actually in bondage in real life, and that is not an entertaining thought. There are people in this world who are in bondage to witch craft, who visit witch doctors to ail their woes, who go to high places to offer sacrifices.

How then do we take something that keeps people in bondage, and decide it is good subject matter for entertainment, how do we make sorcery the hero? Because we do not want to believe that the evil is real, that it really happens in the world, that it even happens in America.

I have a dear dear friend who fell into witchcraft, was deceived, in bondage, and still struggles with temptation and with the consequences of it. She was a believer when this happened, she understands Gods forgiveness and grace in ways I simply cannot. I would never look at that friend and say Harry Potter just entertainment just because it came with a front and back cover, just because I can eat popcorn when I watch it. If I did I would be making her struggle insignificant, it would be making light of her very real battle with evil.

When we take something that is the cause of another person not seeing Christ and we attempt to repackage it into something entertaining, we make insignificant the opinion of God. If another person is in bondage to something, we shouldn’t find that a subject of entertainment, but a subject of heartache. God is grieved that there are people in bondage. Repackaging something that keeps others in shackles shouldn’t make us see it any differently. Harry Potter may only be a book and a movie, but it is based on subject matter that keeps real people, created by God, in bondage, and I simply cannot see that as subject matter for my entertainment. Even if I can eat popcorn while watching it.

We never escape our past, even if we think we have forgotten our past.  The enemy is in the habit of using our past against us whenever he thinks it will support his cause.  In 3 days time he has done that to me twice, in two different ways.

Sometimes the enemy likes to use another person to remind us of our past, he pits one against another in an attempt to destroy them.  A few days ago this is what he did, again, to me.  This is a cycle that has been happening for well over 10 years.  The enemy reminds one person of the past, that person uses it against the other over and over again, causing pain over and over again.  The enemy loves to remind people of wrongs for which they have been forgiven, or wrongs they have forgiven another for, to cause them to doubt, to cause them to hurt, to cause them to turn their eyes away from what God is doing now.  Satan loves to use our past mistakes, and the relationships they happen in, to his advantage.

Other times the enemy reminds us of our past through circumstance.  Taking what is happening now and weaving reminders and tidbits into present things so that we are drawn back into things we have long since forgotten.  I am not in the habit of keeping track of things that go wrong, or of wrongs committed against me, at least I try my hardest not to.  The enemy, however, is.  It is to his advantage to do so because past wrongs by us, and by others against us, are a great way for him to cause us grief, misery, doubt, and anger.  Our past is an easy and convenient battle ground for the enemy.  He can cause us to dwell on what we have been forgiven, or on what we have given forgiveness for.

The only way to win this battle is to turn our eyes to the Lord, realizing that though He knows all, he chooses to wipe away our wrongs through Christ.  The enemy can never cause our Lord to doubt us because of our past.  The enemy can never cause the Lord to pull back his grace, mercy, and love, because of our past.  What a powerful realization, what a powerful reminder that the enemy can not win the battle, because it is the Lord’s battle, not ours.  In Christ we are victorious, so the enemy cannot conquer us, even with our past.

Three years ago today I was in the hospital having surgery that would change my life forever.  Three years ago today I had part of my brain removed!  Three years ago seems like a lifetime ago some days.  If you don’t know my medical story you should read it so you know what led up to that day three years ago.  Since that day my life has changed dramatically compared to where I was just days before, but not in the way you might think.  I has gotten better!

Just over five years ago, in November of 2005, I had a career I loved, was very active with my church, and was happy with where my life was headed.  Now, I stay at home, don’t drive, home school my son with Nevada Virtual Academy, and will likely never work again.  However, I have more joy now then before I got sick.  Even missing part of my brain!  Three years ago I had to make a decision that would alter my life in the hope that I would be seizure free some day.  Though that hasn’t happened,  I have more joy in my life because I have seen God’s goodness towards me.

How have I seen God’s goodness?  Through his promises, and the answering of them.  Daily He give me strength, despite my weakness.  Daily He gives me shelter so that the trial cannot defeat me.  Daily he surrounds me with his peace, so that I do not fear.  Daily He gives me comfort, despite my pain.  Daily He gives me a supply of grace, so that I might continue to be molded despite myself.  Daily He allows me to come to his feet, though I do not deserve that place.  Daily He defends me, at every attack of the enemy.  Every day, at each step, He is with me, even when my eyes wander from him.  Daily He answers his promises, never failing.  Each day I am privileged to experience the Lord’s work in my life, and I cannot help but to have joy in the experience.

Three years ago I had no idea what the outcome of the surgery would be.  Now, three years later, I know how good God can be, all the time.

It has been just over 3 months since I last posted.  Since that time I have been on a cruise, started a new school with Bryan, enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas, had my in-laws visit twice, and turned in our application for foster care.  The last 3 months have been busy.

The time we spent as a family on vacation was fabulous.  We all got to do things we love to do, and we got to spend some time with friends as well.  Bryan absolutely loves his new school, and his mother is much happier knowing he loves school again.  Having my in-laws visit was great.  Finally, our foster care application got sent after a 6 month delay.

The last 3 months have been busy, but we know it isn’t likely to slow down anytime soon.  We anticipate our family will grow sometime in the near future.  Some might say that what we are doing is ridiculous at the least, some might even say insane.  To have children we don’t know, who have been raised in ways we might not even imagine, come to live with us for an indeterminate amount of time is more then they could handle.  I know it is more then I would be capable of handling alone, but I am not alone.  I have a husband who is a Godly leader, a son who loves the Lord and has a heart for others, and I have God.  I am not alone in this, and God is capable of more then I will ever be.

The past 3 months may have been busy, but I know that what God has planned for us next is likely to make us busier yet.  Busy in a  fabulous way though, busy affecting others lives for the Lord.  I have no desire to end up saying “I could have…but I didn’t have the time”.  If I cannot find the time to do what the Lord is asking of me because I am too busy, then I have allowed busy to become a way of life.  I have no desire to tell the Lord no because my schedule is to full, because I can’t fit it in, or because I’ve filled my life with meaningless tasks.  Busy can be good, or it can overtake us.  I won’t mind being busy, as long as I am busy for the Lord.

The calm serenity of the ocean as it laps on the side of a cruise ship.  The smell of clean ocean air.  The crispness of the ocean breeze standing on deck.  The sound of rock and roll.  Yes, rock and roll!  Tomorrow we fly to Florida for vacation and on Monday we board the Music Boat.  Five full days of music combined with the pampering that comes with a cruise.  No cooking, no dishes, no laundry, and all the music I can take in for 5 days!  Am I excited, yes, am I going to be tired when I get home, yes.  It will be worth it to have spent 5 days with a group of friends we are looking forward to spending time with, you know who you are.  This vacation is going to be awesome!