I never wanted to be sick. I never wanted to stay home. I never wanted to home school. I never wanted to live in the middle of nowhere. I got sick. I can’t work. I followed my husband to the middle of nowhere. I home school because it’s our only good option.

I have given up my career, I have given up my freedom, I have given up my friendships, I have stopped going to church’s I loved, I have to do things I know I am not good at. Everyday of my life is a struggle.

I don’t have one person in my life who can even possibly come close to understanding how difficult it is for me every day. How everything I do takes so much more effort then it should. How when I screw up simple things it hurts because it reminds me of why everything is so hard. It’s all so hard because my memory is screwed up, my concentration is bad, and I hurt all the time.

Hurt, I just hurt. Nothing makes it go away. I try every day to pretend it isn’t there, but it is. Some of the things I do are so painful, but I do them anyway because other people are counting on me, because I made commitments and I try very hard to honor those. I pretend because I refuse to allow my body to stop me from doing things.

There is nothing anyone can do to change some of these things, they are facts. What they can do is try to see my life through my eyes.  Watch me very closely in an attempt to see how what I am doing at that moment causes me pain. To see how my memory or concentration might make it difficult. Try to understand that the things I do I don’t do because they are easy but because I am committed to them. Even the things I choose to do, like play drums, hurt. Yet I do those things because I have to have things in my life that I choose to do out of joy, not obligation.

I understand more fully then most will what God means when he tells us to consider it all joy when we face trials. I cannot name one year in the last 8 that has not come with some kind of heart breaking trial. First my mom died, then I lost a baby, I ended up sick and out of my career, I had 3 brain surgeries, my house was flooded and chaos followed, my arms didn’t work for a week, and I had to start home schooling. All too many times I cried to God “why? why do you have to teach me in such difficult ways?” His answer has always been “so you will see more of me”.

I see more of Him, I see his nature. I understand what it is to have his comfort, his strength, his shelter, his arms to hold me up, his ears to hear my cries. I still wonder why God had to teach me all of this through such difficulty, instead of letting me learn it another way.

Then I remember that what I have been through has not been just to teach me, but to teach others as well. To teach my husband and son what it means to stand firm on God’s promises and watch him answer them. Do we have all our desires, do we get a yes to all we ask of God? No. But we can know this, His plan is greater then we can see, His intention for us is greater then we can imagine. He knows where he wants us, what he wants us doing, and when.

I can’t figure out why he has me in the middle of desert, homeschooling, not able to work, and in pain. I cannot figure out how all of this makes sense, but I will keep following him. I will keep trusting him. If I am going to do that I have to trust that he has put my husband and son into my life because he intends it for my good.

I might not be happy, but I will find joy because I know He is working where I cannot see. I know he is doing the same for my husband and son that he is doing for me, making me more like him. He might keep taking me through things I don’t like, making me do things I’m not good at, he may allow me to stay in pain, but in all of it I will try to keep looking for his hand to move.

I can see him moving. I see him moving in my husband, my son, and myself. I can see how he has molded each of us, changed us. I see him leading my husband, and I see how he has given him knowledge, wisdom, guidance, discernment. I will keep trusting that he has placed each of them in my life for my good. I may not always be happy, but I will keep following, even when I disagree. I will keep following, even when I can’t understand. I will keep following, because it gives me joy. My life is not what I thought it would be, but it is better because my life has allowed me to see God moving. My life means I got to be the recipient to answered promises. My life means I have had the privilege of watching him work in my husband and son.

I am glad my life is not what I wanted it to be. Even if it means I lost my career, I am in the middle of nowhere, doing what I never wanted to, and in pain. I am glad God gave me the life he wanted me to have.

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